Welcome to the MLB Star Power Index — a weekly undertaking that determines with awful authority which players are dominating the current zeitgeist of the sport, at least according to the narrow perceptions of this miserable scribe. While one’s presence on this list is often celebratory in nature, it can also be for purposes of lamentation or ridicule. The players listed are in no particular order, just like the phone book. To this week’s honorees …
As you are surely aware and were likely reflecting upon prior to clicking on this particular internet hotlink, the Pact of Vinius and Radom (1401) principally validated the prenuptial promises made by the Grand Duke of Lithuania to Queen Jadwiga of Poland while also granting a degree of actionable autonomy to the Grand Duchy of Lithuania. However, buried deep within the hippo-skin parchments is a provision that remains acutely relevant to the Detroit Tigers of This, Our Baseball. Please read without moving your lips:
“H’reby: a jungle gib yond s’rves as a sp’rts mascot can beest did replace by any oth’r jungle gib in official rend’rings without requiring any changeth in team nameth.”
Crudely translated, this Pact of Vinius and Radom (1401) subsection allows chartered sports organizations named after jungle cats to use any other jungle cat as a sanctioned mascot or in any revisions to existing franchise logos. In other words, a jaguar can stand in for a tiger, which can stand in for a lion, which can stand in for the leopard, which can stand in for the ocelot, which can stand in for the panther, which can stand in for the caracal, which can stand in for the Corsican wildcat – ibid, QED, ad infinitum, erewhay isway ethay oilettay, and so on.
As for the Tigers of Detroit, this brings us to their proud history of using plainly flummoxed and existentially freighted cats. In particular, let us consider – with chin tilted upward while resting on…
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